Heaven's Gaze
by Atolm2000
Summary: 1rst person Katsuya, set just after the battle with Shiki in the TV station How do you respond to a devil's advocate when you're not even sure where you stand?


Heaven's Gaze Standard Disclaimers - I don't own the Cruxshadows or the lyrics below; nor do I own Persona or any of the charas therein. Slight spoilers for the events in the Sumaru TV station, but nothing that specific. 

Shades of feelings my heart denies   
Bathing in shadows, in the eyes of lies   
My glowing future now these embers fed   
Uncanny restlessness - but ask me what I've learned...   
If this is real well it feels like Hell, yes it feels like Hell   
Gods and angels and devils smile   
Stare into our crying eyes   
Fire in anger and hate beguile   
Stare into your heart tonight   
-Heaven's Gaze, Cruxshadows 

"Superstitions and demons are things of the past"...."Your time is over"..."We don't need such things anymore"....   
It's all well and good to say that when facing down the demon that's just been tormenting a friend, but there's just one thing that makes those words seem so hollow in retrospect.   
_Who don't you need?_   
Golden eyes just behind my own. The only way we've been able to face the demons on their own terms. I haven't even been aware of Helios for that long, and it's still become strong enough that I can almost feel the fur under my own skin, the ears ticking back in discomfort, the long tail lashing out behind me. Hearing the voice is just another part of the whole schizophrenic package. He's me and not me, and I've learned that just because he's a fragment of my own soul, doesn't mean he can't kibitz.   
The colors have returned to the building; the black and white, drained world of Shiki only seemed to emphasize the view through blood red lenses. It's a comfort to be back in the real world, back where logic is supposedly in some twisted degree of control, or at least back where there's something familiar.   
_Logic doesn't explain what's been happening since the Joker arose._   
The cat has a point...I can't say logic or reality has anything to do with being back in the normal world anymore...I suppose the only difference, really, is that back in Shiki's world, we were at the mercy of whatever twisted plans the demon cat had for us, while here, the playing field is a little more level. Neither side really has control of the board.   
_We're falling behind the others; it'd be unwise to be caught alone in a place like this._ They've gotten ahead of me; Amano-san's taken the lead, watching the path carefully while glancing behind to check on the rest of us now and then. Kirishima-san's not far behind, still rattled severely by the visions that chased us in Shiki's nether-realm; Serizawa's trying to talk her out of the funk, ever a blaze of energy. And Baofu -   
_(a soft padding in the shadows, a quiet aura just left, Odysseus's arrogant, knowing smile under dark lenses watching imperceptibly)_   
Has fallen back, and is walking right next to me.   
"So, mankind has no need for anything that doesn't fit into a neat scientific package, eh?" His head's cocked away, and he's watching me from under the side rim of impossibly dark lenses. How he can wear those indoors all the time and still see, I'll never understand. He has that same smirk that never seems to leave his face unless things go hideously wrong, or unless he decides it's safe to drop one layer of the endless facade and brood. More masks than a Joker. I just try to focus on Serizawa's heels clicking irritably on the hard tile floor.   
"I'm not going to let you pretend to ignore me that easily. You're too damn obvious, Suou; you can't look up at someone, glower, and concentrate on the floor harder without letting them know you've noticed them. Besides, you project; any idiot with a strong persona could read you, even if you did manage to hide any visible reaction."   
_(ears laid flat against skull, tail whipping around legs)_ "Playing the devil's advocate again?"   
A shrug, and a slight cynical widening of that bloody smile. _(Odysseus adjusts the sword slung over one shoulder)_ "Hell, someone has to follow justice-types like you around and keep you honest when you start getting hypocritical, and I don't see anyone else here." On that last comment, he turns to glance behind and around, as if emphasizing the point.   
"I have a good guess of where you're going with this, but go ahead and explain it anyway; I'd like to make sure before I respond."   
"Hmph. Point in your favor on that; the fewer assumptions, the better." He's watching me for any reaction; I'm not obliging, still watching Serizawa's heels on the tile. "I was just thinking about your little speech to the cat. Even you must admit, it's ironic to hear that coming from somebody who's only lived this long by calling on mythical persona, trying to beat superstitions and myth on their own terms."   
Whatever god decided to throw me in the same group with a secretive criminal had a sick sense of humor - I think I may as well have painted a target on my back the day I met Baofu. "This, from the one who's always saying that he hates the personas, and refuses to admit that they're a part of him." _(Low growl along under the words; Odysseus tightens his grip on the sword in irritation.)_   
"I never said I was changing my opinions. I just said it's hypocritical of you to denounce all superstition one minute, then call your persona to fight for you the next." He's irritated now; I seem to have caught him off guard. He wasn't expecting that kind of sarcasm. It was more like something he'd say, really. I've spent too much time around him; I'm starting to pick up his cynicism. _Whose cynicism? Words not given voice are still your words. The face hidden behind the mask is no less real than the mask itself._   
"And what other choice do we have? It's a power that's been made available to us; if we don't use it, we'll never be able to defend ourselves, much less stop these things from making this world any more insane than they already have." _(Black claws add to the point made by a "real" hand raised)_   
"We have met the enemy, and he is us." Now Baofu's the one watching the footsteps ahead of us while I'm looking over at him. He's gone cryptic again, hunched forward a little, hands in pockets behind him, smiling at the newest secret joke only he knows.   
"Excuse me?"   
He looks back up, and we're briefly back to the way it was back in the 2X Slash the first time I ever saw him; me in a brief, innocent, and unknowing daze, thrown for a loop; him choosing what piece of the Grand Secret to reveal now. I'm not sure which I prefer - back when he was so damn cryptic and foreign that I was forever off-balance, or now, with him as an eternal rival allowing me no illusions.   
"If you're going to make science and logic the 'good' side, and superstition and magic the 'evil' side, then we're certainly not the heroes, eh? Running around calling myths and manipulating rumors..."   
I break the eye contact first, going back to watching the floor. "I never said anything like that."   
"It's what logically follows from what you said before. You do follow logic, right? If science is good and magic is bad, then we're every bit as much the villains as the demons."   
"You're reading too much into what I said. I was sick and tired of watching that beast torment Kirishima-san, of the Jokers, the demons, the rumors, the Persona, the whole tangled mess. I was drawing a line between us and it, not trying to put any great meaning behind 'science' and 'magic'. Don't use it to drag us down to their level."   
He steps aside a little, the smile wider again, studying me as if I've somehow just revealed something he'd been digging for that I shouldn't have shown.   
"Under all that righteous outrage, you're not that far from me, are you Suou?"   
I level a crimson glare down at him, standing straight up. _(yellow eyes narrow and blaze with sun's heat)_ "Don't even try that tactic. No, I don't like the supernatural - because most of what I've seen of it so far has no goal other than to spread chaos and harm those weaker than itself. I'm here not because I want to destroy everything that doesn't fit into my worldview, but because I want to protect the innocent people who are getting hurt in this mess. Why are you here? Morbid curiousity? Nothing better to do?"   
The smile twists bitterly as he meets my glare briefly, then stares into the flickering flourescent lights above. "Now who's reading too much into what's been said, hm? I have my reasons; questions to answer, ghosts to bury." His gazes snaps back across from the lights to me, his eyes lost behind lenses dark enough to hide any light from the soul behind, but not dark enough to hide the world from him. "What ghosts are driving you, Suou? What whip from behind you keeps you on the straight and narrow?"   
We actually have a staredown of sorts. It lasts until I break it, denying the conflict altogether, snapping to face forward and look straight ahead. _(A feline recovery of composure, but not quite enough to hide ruffled fur and a lashing tail.)_ "I don't need to tell you anything."   
"That was ... icy." _(A slight dark ripple from ahead, a disruptive energy reaching out, a beacon of chaos)_ All four of us stop, still in the same order, at the telltale warning of a Joker. Maya whispers something soft I can't catch, Ulala groans about having to fight *another* one, and Kirishima begins focusing on the conflict ahead. Baofu's as unreadable as ever.   
"Looks like we'll have to continue this later. Promise me one thing, Suou - next time you're about to say something high and mighty, take a minute to consider your perspective before you start making sweeping judgements. You're no better than the rest of us, and you don't even know a page of the truth." Somehow, even though I'm taller than him, I'm still being looked down on. We've started moving again, and the echoes of the Joker ahead grow stronger with every foot; it's useless to try and pick up the argument now, with a worse enemy so close ahead.   
I'd like to call him a hypocrite right back, but how do I back it up when I know nothing of him? "You're in no position to lecture from either"? "You don't know why I'm here"? Neither do I, and as much as I hate to admit it, he had a point.   
We've stopped in front of the studio door. As Maya reaches for the handle, Baofu turns to me one last time.   
"Here's a thought for you - how far is Helios from Shiki?"   


*I'm not quite sure how to explain this one...just another of my short little vignettes like Jewel Lament...what can I say, I happen to like Katsuya and Helios. 


End file.
